"The art of living in the face of death: death, grief and my mental toolbox!"

grief and death

In Germany, dealing with death is often characterized by a certain distance, unless you are directly affected by a death or work in areas such as a funeral home, nursing home, hospice association or hospital. The number of 1,020,907 million deaths in 2023 may seem abstract and elusive at first glance. In a country where everyday life is often dominated by the hustle and bustle of modern life, the thought of the number of people who lose their lives may seem far away.

According to the Federal Statistical Office, in 2019 around 50.7% of people in Germany died in hospital, 25.4% at home and 18.3% in care facilities. The remaining deaths occurred in other facilities such as hospices or outside of care facilities.

Nevertheless, these numbers are a sober reminder that death is an inevitable reality of the human condition. They are an indication that each of the more than one million lives lost in Germany last year leaves behind a story, a family and a network of relationships. Despite the tendency to often suppress or taboo death, it is important to be aware of the significance of these numbers and to remember that they are not just statistics, but mark the end of an individual life path.

The Mourner - Change of Perspective

After all the bureaucratic jungle and the epic struggle with the household liquidation, the poor mourner is often faced with something that initially sounds totally spectacular – namely nothing!

Yes, you heard right, after all the hustle and bustle you sometimes end up directly in the “black hole”.

This is the moment when you ask yourself, “What now?” after trying for weeks to wake up from the state of shock and finally get back into the mode of carrying on with your life.

Longing for signs

Sometimes you wonder if the world has perhaps played a little joke by deciding to keep turning, even if our favorite people can no longer participate. While the social environment has long since returned to the daily grind, those who are grieving sometimes feel like they are on a stationary escalator while they keep their grief company -

all alone.

And in conversations with other mourners, you often hear the quiet wish for a little sign from beyond, a friendly "hello" from our departed loved ones in everyday life. Perhaps in the form of a feather on the floor, a particularly crazy dream or even a flickering light bulb - who knows, maybe our loved ones have started a new career as ghost prank planners!

But then, once the hectic days of the initial grieving process are over, disillusionment often sets in. Life goes on as if nothing had happened and no magical miracles seem to happen. But who knows, maybe we just need to look more closely to discover the hidden signs of connection.

Turning points in grief - my little m u s eu m

The "black hole" often marks the beginning of further processing processes, which can be accompanied by feelings of loneliness and being left alone.

Suddenly it dawns on the mourner:

He now lives in his own little microcosm, a personal museum of memories, in which he guards the relics of his deceased loved one like an indescribably precious treasure. Photo albums, voice messages, clothing, cuddly toys, scents, music and smells.

These mementos are like little time capsules that can catapult us all unexpectedly into past moments - as if we were suddenly traveling through time in our own prototype time machine. Sometimes it's like finding a hidden treasure map and embarking on a treasure hunt through the depths of memory - only without the obligatory pirate hat.

Emotional worlds

People often describe how thoughts suddenly arise as if they were the main character in a drama called 'The Loneliness Odyssey'. They feel as if they had won a ticket for the Loneliness Express and are now sitting alone in the carriage without the slightest idea where the journey will take them!

So you're now sitting in this train compartment with a whole rollercoaster of emotions: feelings of loss, loneliness, guilt, anger and frustration, hopelessness, longing and nostalgia - as if you've been given a VIP ticket for the emotional rollercoaster ride!

Well-intentioned advice

The first few weeks pass and then these "encouraging" words come along:

"Hey, life goes on! Either you jump on the train now or lie down on the tracks - your choice! It will be okay, I promise! Time heals all wounds!", "Everything happens for a reason", "You have to be strong", "It will get better", "You just have to let go", "He/she was really sick!",

"Just don't think about it," "It's good that he is now redeemed,"

"You should be grateful for the time you had with them", "They are in a better place now", "You will get over it", "Don't grieve for too long, life goes on", "Others have been through it too, you are not alone", "You just need to distract yourself"!

After all this "encouraging" advice has trickled in, the grieving person might end up thinking: "Well, if life really is a train, then I'd better think about which stop is best for me -

and whether I even want to get in!"

And then?

And then something truly amazing happens in our modern world. It's almost like an episode from an absurd sitcom: every second grieving person reports that at least one person in their circle of relatives and friends has no idea how to deal with grief. After politely offering their condolences, they disappear for a variety of reasons and never come back. One wonders why so many people are so incredibly "incapable of empathy" in a world full of emojis, therapists and cemeteries around the corner. It's almost as if they think grief is a new Netflix series that just doesn't interest them.

Two worlds?

Yes - on the one hand, there is the highly emotional mourner who is fighting his way through a veritable minefield of feelings. On the other hand, we have the vast majority of the population who apparently have no idea how to react appropriately to grief. But is it really true that we have all forgotten how to deal with grief? Perhaps empathy lies dormant deep within us and is only activated when we find ourselves in such situations. It is certainly not an easy task to comfort and continue to be there for a grieving mother, a family who is mourning their deceased child, or a senior citizen who has lost their partner after 40 years of marriage.

It's like trying to balance on a unicycle across a slackline - it requires skill, patience and a fair amount of courage.

Why do we avoid grief?

Although I find it a little difficult to categorize people, I still want to talk about those who withdraw or avoid contact. I think it is important to understand what reasons could possibly be behind such a decision in this day and age. Of course, we start with the assumption that they have good reasons for their behavior.

Group 1 - the clueless:

They avoid contact because they don't know how to deal with their grief or because they simply can't find the right words. They simply don't want to do anything wrong, so they bury their heads in the sand.

Group 2 - those seeking protection:

And then there are those who avoid contact with those who are grieving because they fear that their own deeply buried emotions will suddenly surface. In fact, there are quite a few people who have not been able to fully process losses in childhood or even in adulthood. Their own fears, circumstances and sadness do not allow them to empathize with the world of a grieving person. The underlying idea here seems to be that they do not want to go deeper into their own emotions and are afraid that this could cause their own feelings to surface.

Group 3 - the fair-weather people or repressers:

This group simply cannot imagine how grief fits into their perfectly balanced world. Their mantra is "work-life balance," and there is simply no room for something as unpleasant as grief. It's the latest fad in coaching, where we like to blow away all the negativity with a few inspirational sayings because we prefer things to be nice and tidy. On Instagram, we see thousands of tips on how to organize your socks and underwear in an 8-meter closet with 300 built-in compartments to save space. There are tons of books with titles like "How to be happy in 10 days?", "How to reorganize your life?" and "How to banish negative thoughts with a few breathing exercises and a round of yoga?" - and at the same time, you're orienting your life according to kitchen wisdom!

Resilience -

Work-life balance between shit-good- and - so-so!

Don't get me wrong, yoga and breathing exercises are great - but I firmly believe that with yoga and breathing exercises you can also feel and accept grief, loss and the madness of everyday life.

The ability to draw strength from loss and to defy life's challenges, no matter how individual they may be, is called resilience. Resilience is like an internal rubber band - it helps us to pick ourselves up again after setbacks and to move forward.

And this is where we come to work-life balance - between shit (please excuse the strong expression) good and so-so.

It may sound strange, but many people actually find incredible strength in the midst of grief. Some write books, give lectures or even get involved in hospice organizations to help other grieving people or provide end-of-life care.

But what is behind it, has our culture of mourning changed in Germany?

Indeed, our culture of mourning has undergone a remarkable development over the course of history. During the Middle Ages in particular, the way we dealt with death and mourning was interwoven with a complex web of religious and cultural customs. The effects of historical events such as the plague epidemic have had a significant impact on the reality of life and inevitably caused people to think about death and its meaning.

In those dark times, average life was anything but rosy, and life expectancy often left much to be desired. Nevertheless, solidarity in the community was great, and grief was dealt with in a collective framework. Grief and consolation were shared in an open exchange, while traditional rituals such as the wake functioned as important mechanisms for coping with grief.

However, as time went on and people became more aware of how diseases were transmitted, fears about the risk of infection through contact with the deceased also began to arise. This led to precautionary measures such as avoiding touching and kissing in order to contain the spread of epidemics.

Today, our culture of mourning has evolved and is less influenced by religious beliefs. Nevertheless, traditional customs have not disappeared completely and new forms of coping with grief and commemoration have emerged. These changes reflect not only the social upheavals, but also the personal beliefs and values of our time.

Was there also this ignorance about grief in the Middle Ages?

In the Middle Ages, there was a deep-rooted community mentality in which supporting the bereaved played an important role.

Indeed, there may have been some pressure at the time to participate in the ritual expressions of mourning, even if one did not feel a strong personal connection to the deceased. It was a time when etiquette and the expectation of communal mourning were a firm pillar of medieval society. One can imagine formal announcements being shouted in the local taverns: "Be there or be oblivious!"

And who knows, maybe back then there was even the medieval version of advice books that specialized in giving advice to awkward grieving people - "The Fool's Guide to Dealing with Grief: How to Grieve Without Making a Fool of Yourself!"

But what is it like today? Do we only really start to deal with the subject of death when a loved one leaves us and we find ourselves in an emotional state of emergency? Do we only experience the full range of feelings that were perhaps already instilled in us in the Middle Ages when we die?

Well, in this day and age, many of us often only begin to really grapple with the subject of death when we are faced with the loss of a loved one. The emotional emergency of loss can cause us to delve deeply into our own feelings and thoughts about death that may have previously been ignored or repressed. Suddenly, we find ourselves on an emotional rollercoaster, grappling with questions about the meaning of life and impermanence - all thanks to an unexpected invitation of grief and pain.

In contrast, in the Middle Ages, feelings of grief and loss were perhaps more strongly experienced and explored from childhood. Why? Because death was an integral part of everyday life and often much closer to people's everyday lives. When you consider that even children chatted to the Grim Reaper while playing by the river or working in the fields, you can imagine how life back then was a veritable school of grief management!

Mental toolbox

What skills do we have? Is there a toolbox of skills already built into our brains?

The following can be concluded from brain research!

1. Openness and acceptance: These feelings can arise in the prefrontal cortex, particularly in areas associated with cognitive flexibility and the ability to adapt to new information and perspectives.

2. Empathy and support: Empathy arises primarily in regions of the brain associated with emotion processing and social interaction, such as the limbic system and anterior cingulate cortex. These areas play an important role in the evaluation of others' emotions and the empathy response. 3. Reflection and self-awareness: The capacity for self-reflection and self-awareness is largely localized in the prefrontal cortex, particularly in areas associated with self-perception and the evaluation of personal beliefs and emotions. 4. Life affirmation and meaning finding: These feelings can arise from a number of brain areas, including the prefrontal cortex, the limbic system, and even areas of the brain associated with reward processing and motivation, such as the ventral striatum. The ability to appreciate and find meaning in life can be greatly influenced by individual differences and personal experiences.

What does that mean now?

It's like an adventure in the brain! Imagine that this multi-tool toolbox full of skills and attitudes is just waiting

waiting to be used by us.

This suitcase could have been inside us since birth, a great interplay of our genetics and the experiences we have had and will have.

It's up to us to take it out, open it and see what's inside!

Just like a muscle that gets stronger through regular training, we can develop and strengthen our mental abilities through conscious practice and experience.

We can promote our openness and acceptance by consciously dealing with topics such as death.

By showing empathy and support to others, especially during difficult times such as grief, loss and pain, we can improve our ability to empathize and interact socially.

In addition, by regularly reflecting on our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, we can develop self-reflection and self-awareness.

A pinch of compassion....

Finally, I would like to give you some advice:

When you reach out to a grieving person years later to apologize and explain your reasons for not being able to be by their side, something magical happens in your thought process. You dare to tackle something uncomfortable, something that seems inconsequential in everyday life but still has a deep meaning. By showing compassion, you activate your own toolbox that not only helps the grieving person, but also strengthens your own mental resilience. It is only a small step, but at the same time a huge development, also in the way you deal with the topic of death and transience.

So go ahead and throw a pinch of compassion into your thoughts - it will be seasoned with a good portion of human development!

At the same time, you can outsmart your guilty conscience and free yourself from unnecessary baggage.

And for those wondering if they could now become real psychopaths without training - don't worry! Lack of empathy does not automatically lead to the development of psychopathy. Training compassion strengthens our empathic skills and encourages compassionate behavior. So forget the idea that you'll suddenly be sitting in a dark dungeon and a threat to the world - that would be more like the plot of a Hollywood villain!

So, dear readers, make no misunderstandings - you are not training dark superpowers, but strengthening the bright sides of our humanity!

How did you like the article? Were there certain topics missing or would you like to address other topics related to this? How did you experience your own grief or how do you deal with your loss? How do you feel about others who have experienced a loss?

In the comments you can share your own valuable experiences with the community - there is no right or wrong! Exchange is allowed!

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The art of living in the face of death